Free Fall by Amber Lea Easton

Author:Amber Lea Easton
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: inspiration, memoir, grief, parenting, grief and loss, memoir family, suicide awareness, suicide survivor, suicide healing, grief and grieving
Publisher: Amber Lea Easton

“Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight, how it holds you in place.”

--Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

Chapter Eleven

Christmas. I've been dreading this for months. We're traveling to Washington, D.C. to be with my brother and my parents. I've sent all the Santa presents ahead of time. I'm pretty sure I'm overcompensating. Okay, yes. I admit it. I'm overcompensating with material things to distract the kids from the sadness of this first Christmas without their daddy. Is it the right thing to do? No, probably not. All I know is that I want them to be happy so I'm going above and beyond to make it so. I can't control what happened on May 29...but I can completely control Christmas morning.

A week ago, I finalized my will. The mortgage had finally been put solely into my name and I'd wrapped up all but one of the loose ends. The exhaustion has caught up to me. I'm on antibiotics and sleeping pills, neither of which seems to be doing much of anything.

I want this Christmas to be perfect, but feel my energy coming to an end. I'm hoping I'll be able to spend some time alone, maybe sleep, when I'm in D.C. It's fascinating to me how I have never thought about sleep so much in my life as I do now. I don't remember the last time I've slept more than a few hours at a time or without the kids wrapped around me. My nerves are shot.

Wrapping up the business end of Sean's death feels odd. My to-do list is gone. Now what? Go on with living, I guess, whatever that means.

But first...Christmas in D.C. I want it to be perfect so the kids don't miss their dad, but I know that's unrealistic. I'm only distracting them, but that's okay. For now.

I'm not what my family expected. I'm tired, out of it, distracted. My hands shake. My nerves are shot. I hear words like "time to snap out of it" and feel like a failure. Again. No one wants to talk about Sean except us three. It's as if he didn't exist. I'm accused of being selfish.

This isn't what I intended. Maybe my perception is off because I'm not sure what I'm doing that is so wrong. I let my guard down, am more exhausted than I can describe, and can't keep pretending that I'm okay.

I'm not okay.

I haven't spent one night alone since the moment we found Sean hanging in the closet. I've been in perpetual motion—my choice—and now I've hit the wall. Unfortunately, I've hit the wall here where people expect me to be in the holiday spirit. I'm letting them down. It feels as if all the energy I spent maintaining the to-do list has left all at once. I can barely stand. So tired.

Grief found me despite my accumulation of frequent flier miles. All this time spent running caught up to me. No matter how far I traveled or how busy I've kept myself, I couldn't outrun sorrow.

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